Monthly Archives: April 2009

Am I Somebody?

As I have mentioned more than once, my dear hubby is one of those that, for some reason I fail to understand, believes that there are actually creatures in the world whose job it is, to be the sweep on his trail of life. Invisible uniformed maids? Clones of tinkerbell? Aliens maybe? I have no idea who he thinks is actually going to wash those dishes, pick up those clothes or finish that 62nd project that he chose to start on a Sunday at 4:30 . You would think that after all these years he would come to realize that it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me!! But still he clearly thinks ‘Somebody‘ will step in. 

After all, ‘Somebody‘ does everything.  Good or bad.  You know the lines — we’ve all heard them:  “Well, I couldn’t find it because SOMEBODY put it in the wrong place… “;  “I was going to do that but SOMEBODY didn’t do this …”;  “SOMEBODY must have moved it … “, “SOMEBODY needs to fix that …”, “SOMEBODY needs to clean that … “,  “SOMEBODY should really … ”

BLAH BLAH BLAH … SOMEBODY!!!.   Now who do you suppose is SOMEBODY?  Sure as hell better not be me either.

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My Project Manager

Of course there are two ways to look at the husband who likes projects — with amazement and awe, as in “Oh honey, I’m so lucky to have a fabulous hubby like you who takes care of everything” or with fear and resignation, as in “Ahhh crap, here we go again!!”.  Mine lies somewhere in the middle, as in “Great idea! (heavy sigh). Shame it will take F^%$#ING FOREVER to be finished”.  

As I type, I can look out the window and see the huge pile of branches, sticks and clippings that now block the way from the front door to the car  and cover most of our front yard. It was sunny this weekend and my hubby, full of enthusiasm and clippers in hand, decided to do a little trimming.  Sadly, and not surprisingly, the project plan didn’t included anything other than chop, chop, chop.  Clearly the garden gnomes, cousins to the dish fairies, were to be on the clean-up crew.  No surprise that dusk came all too quickly and then it rained all day Monday and is snowing today — not sure who Mother Nature is trying to piss off more — him or me.  So bottom line, the stuff is all now all over the place, I have to get to the car via the street, and experience tells me that it probably won’t look any different a week from now.  Well, at least the bags of seed and fertilizer and other yard bits that have been sitting there for a month will have company. They’ll need it, ’cause he’s already talking about digging up the back yard.  

Someday I’ll post pictures of us on our wedding day on his “restored” (wink wink) wooden sailboat. These are some of the captions: “Oh can someone just grab that piece of sandpaper that’s stuck to my dress … careful not to step in the varnish … don’t worry that’s just chipped paint, it won’t stain …”

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More from Moira

Another hilarious tale from my friend Moira. This could have happened in my house ANY day! Thanks for the giggle Moira. 

I Love Him but Here’s Exhibit A

This past Saturday we had a million and one things to do. We were hosting 16 girls at a Kids Choice Awards Slumber Party, Molly had soccer practice and Liam had a birthday party. Not to mention we needed to clean the house from top to bottom for the party (missing that cleaning lady yet again). And of course the usual parenting routines of making sure the kids get up, dressed, find soccer clothes and equipment, wrap present and make card, be nice to each other and the dog, say no to drugs and become productive members of society. So with soccer practice looming at 10:00am and the clock striking 8:45am as the first eye in the house opens the love of my life rolls over and says, “I think I’ll go for a run.” Mind you he hasn’t exercised in like 6 weeks but thinks the start of a marathon parenting day would be a good time to go for a run!!! Speechless I watch as my very own Steve Prefontaine dresses and disappears for his run.

“Is he kidding me?” races through my head as the door slams shut. Only a man could wake up on a day like today and think (1) I really need some “Me Time” and (2) actually go out and do it. I don’t know whether to be completely impressed or mind rattlingly furious though I am leaning toward the latter. Since I don’t have the luxury of doing anything else I start my day. Wake the dead (oops I mean kids), clean the dog’s pee spot (our fault for sleeping so late – note here that Runner Boy either stepped directly in or deliberately over the pee spot and it is still here), make breakfast, locate missing soccer cleats, find matching socks, wrap birthday present, oversee card making for the Kindergartner (“B-I-R-T-H-D”-“no D points the other way”- “no it’s not ruined” – “OK fine start again” – “B-I-R…”), find soccer ball, make tight but not too tight ponytails, and breathe.

In comes Runner Boy. He heads straight over to me and gives me a huge kiss. Then says “Thanks I really needed that I’ll take over here. You go take a nice long hot shower.” Yeah right? Here’s what really happened:

In he comes and heads straight over to his IPhone to check email then unbelievably hops on his laptop. I finally boil over when I see Facebookpop up on his screen. I very calmly say, “For the record this will be Exhibit A in court.” This is a common phrase in our house in reference to our imaginary divorce proceedings. It is quite useful in getting the “you’re-F’ing-pissing-me-off-right-now” point across. As dawn breaks on marble head he understands the enormity of our looming day and giggles as he says, “Hey, I’ll drop them off if you start in on the cleaning.” Blatantly taking the least painful of the day’s co-parenting routine I am yet again impressed by the workings of the male mind. I really must take lessons someday.

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